After endless years of being the 'non-athletic' type and changing it up by running and going to yoga I have also joined a sporting league.

I know. My dad didn't believe it either.

I never played baseball, soccer, or volleyball  in High School. I liked Art and Home Ec. they were a little more my style. Who knew that fifteen years later I would be gearing up, putting on a uniform and going hard for gold.

Ironically it was the uniform that seemed to be my first major sporting hurdle.

Have you ever worn really tiny shorts?

And I mean really tiny shorts... with fishnets.

The last time I tried to get myself into something very tiny it was 1998 and I had my hot going on all over the place.

This last time...

Not so much.

Now camel toe is one thing, it’s almost expected in shorts of this elasticity, but seeing your coochie hang out amongst the netting is something entirely different, and not particularly sexy... Especially after three kids.

But these are things you need to consider if you’re planning any type of career in roller derby....or prostitution.

Ironically little shorts and fishnets haven’t been my only purchases in the recent weeks and months since joining my local league. Excluding the obvious gear purchases (skates and pads don’t count, you need those and unless you can bedazzle it, it doesn’t count as an accessory for derby.) I have invested more money into knee socks than I care to admit, or tell the husband about.

Knee socks are as important to derby as that random white glove is to golf. Not everybody wears them, but those who do... mean business.

My husband can’t see that.

He also doesn’t need to coordinate his own socks. All of his are white and match based on a process of elimination, not on a stripe. As a result, he will never experience the joy of looking at himself in the mirror and smiling as he realizes that the white knee socks he’s wearing with the three pink stripes around the top are also the exact same shade of pink as the rhinestone eyes on his Ms. Kitty skull and cross bones t-shirt.

That takes planning.

It’s the same thought process that goes into buying a pair of fishnets. You don’t want a pair with a reinforced control top.

No... wait.

You may want a pair that can hold in the skin area three kids left behind as a parting gift for growing them for 9 months, but you can’t have it. Especially, in a pair of fishnets or any stocking for that matter that you partner with a pair of tiny shorts. There is nothing more embarrassing (or obvious) than wearing a tiny pair of shorts and seeing the controlled portion bellow them, mid thigh.

Sort of defeats the purpose of sexy. Besides, Roller Derby actually gives you a false sense of entitlement when it comes to small clothes that is only applicable when wearing roller skates, you stop worrying about your pudge because mid block it just doesn't matter.

The boys don’t notice it either.

You do, however, still notice their mismatched white socks.