By midlife our family and work demands often lessen, making this a time when focus and energies shift towards new projects, goals and dreams, interests that add a different kind of meaning to our lives. For many of us a new responsibility emerges - caregiver for an aging parent. 

It’s surprising in the 21^st century that the responsibility of caregiving still falls primarily on women. The elderly turn to daughters, daughters-in-law and granddaughters for help when they don’t have a partner to care for them. Often we’ve been raised to believe our job is to take care of our family’s needs, so we fall naturally into the role of caregiver. 

For thirteen years I was a caregiver for my mother who had Alzheimer’s disease. We were fortunate to have many skilled and loving in-home and care home professionals available to do much of the practical work of looking after mom, but it was still a demanding and at times distressing experience, rife with a lifetime of feelings that begged to be resolved. 

The midlife caregiver experience can be very stressful, and it’s easy to lose sight of ourselves during the process of taking care of aging parents. This is especially true in a shared living situation where the caregiver is available to her parent around the clock. As time passes we begin to realize, then to acknowledge, that a large part of our tension, with its accompanying sadness, guilt and frustration, is a result of our complicated relationship with our declining parent. 

Humans are like plants, they can get survive for years in poor soil and light, but it’s not good enough for us to merely get by during our parent’s declining years, we deserve more than that. When we burn ourselves out it’s very difficult to recover a state of good health and joyful living later on. 

When do we know when it’s enough? Over time, as our thoughts and feelings become clearer, we come to a personal decision about what is comfortable for us. Then the important parts of our relationship come into focus; we become clearer about what can be delegated and the things that are simply unnecessary. 

It’s not always easy to live mindfully when schedules are so full; but by taking the time to honour one’s personal truth and by attending to those important physical, emotional and spiritual needs, we empower ourselves to live the rich and joyful lives we deserve and yearn for. 

I invite you to examine your beliefs about being a caregiver and find ways to change the thoughts and habits that limit joy and vitality. Once balance is achieved in your own life the mutual understanding with a parent will deepen. 

c Ellen Besso 2011

Ellen Besso is a MidLife Coach & Author of Surviving Eldercare: Where Their Needs End & Yours Begin. You can reach her at: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it  or 604-886-1916
FB: Surviving & Thriving – Caregiver Group