Grief is a strange character that comes into our lives, almost always finds a way to cause an undoing of sort, and usually manages to put a damper on the holidays.  I did not refer to the process of losing someone as “a character” by mistake.  Like any other intense emotion, grief can become a companion of sort.  Some people hold onto feelings of pain and loss (like an old friend) due to fear of letting go of the person for which they are grieving.  It helps them feel close when they think about how much they miss them.  This happens frequently during the holidays when family gatherings provoke sentiment and sharing.  To this, I am no stranger.

When the Pain Is Fresh

When I lost three members of my family (mother, brother, and grandfather) within a short time frame, almost every special event (especially Thanksgiving and Christmas) brought despair and feelings of grief and pain.  It didn’t surprise me as my mother had always hosted these wonderful holidays and made them special for everyone who attended.  Suddenly, I felt robbed of my normal world – my normal family celebrations that I loved so much. The realization that things would never be the same again hit me hard that first year and several there after.

I remember crying while shopping for gifts, when I heard holiday music, and when we sat down for dinner with three empty places at the table.  It stung, and there was nothing I could do about it.  That was okay, though.  Grieving is one of those things that you have to let happen; every person responds differently.  Each “normal” event that occurs is a new opportunity to work through your grief.  Moreover, holiday time is no exception.  It took me years before I stopped tearing up over the Christmas ham.  One year at a time, I learned what my new “normal” was.

Finding Peace

When your heart heals with time, you are in a much better place to remember your lost loved ones.  The holidays are a perfect time to talk about how special they were to you, share photos and videos, honor their memory with a charitable donation, and to make sure that younger family members, who may not have known them, get to join in.  Every year we hang special ornaments to honor my mom, brother, and grandfather.  It’s a nice reminder of how much we loved them all.  Several of my six children do remember their grandmother, great-grandfather, and uncle, but unfortunately, the younger ones do not.  So, it is my responsibility to share stories that give a clear picture of who they were to me.  This brings me peace.

Another thing you can do to honor someone who has passed is to continue with a tradition or custom that they were fond of.  In doing this, you can always have a part of them close at special family gatherings.  My mom was a big Christmas Eve fan.  She made a bigger deal out of it than Christmas day.  Eating the big meal, opening the gifts, and everyone sitting around in their new pajamas were several traditions that just had to happen to make her holiday happy.  Today, we engage in a similar tradition at our house.  Every year I say, “This is what I did when I was a kid.”  Almost inevitably, someone asks me to tell a story about my childhood that includes the people we have lost.